2008-09-15-9:27 p.m.
will it work? i'm really tempted to go hong kong but will it really work? guess i think too much.. it'll be 5 years when i can go there and he might change.. who knows what can happen in this 5 years

2007-09-13-9:13 p.m.
ah.. 2 weeks in cuhk i house liao. everything's been fine except the thief who keep stealing my food. quite pissed me off but well, can't let this thief ruin my semester here right?
and fortunately, i had read books like Kahlil Gibran "The Prophet" and Mitch Albom "Tuesday with Morrie". these kinda stories always bring some enlightenment and positive energy to my life. so glad i have much time to read up over here. something i could not do in singapore because of all other commitments. but here, after lessons everyday, is revising, surfing net, and read!! haha.. i always feel like a frog in the well. i know i have not been reading enough and really glad to have broken this inertia and read so many books within these few days. i'm going to continue doing so because reading such books make me happy, make me think more about life, make me look at things in different perspective.
that irritating thief.. i hope she/he will feel guilty of what she/he has done and repent while she/he has the time. if not when one becomes numb to the constant reminder of one's conscience, then darkness will feed in soon..

2007-09-03-8:45 p.m.
finally.. i can log on to internet from the hostel but it's not using my port and cable. i drag the cable from my roomie's internet port to connect to my pc. will ask if she mind using my cable and port instead. seriously think we can't rely on technology too much. i felt so down for the past few days because i can't connect to internet. haiz.. poor me. but if i'm in spore, i think i won't be that sad. after all, now the internet is my only mode of communication to my dearest family, friends and andy in spore. without internet, i can't chat with them, can't have video call with andy and that's making me very sad recently. hopefully this problem will not occur again. i don't expect a wonderful exchange in hk but at least a peaceful one please...

2007-08-28-10:22 p.m.
5th night in Hong Kong, 1st night in CUHK.. the first 4 nights passed quite fast, perhaps cause it's always about eating and shopping. but now, when i'm alone in the temporary hostel using internet, i begin to miss him. i did not shed a tear when he sent me off last fri morning, i just thought 4 months would fly and soon he'll come to hk to find me.
now, all alone, in a quiet, small and cold room, the absence in the heart never sounded this loud. glad we had so many techy stuffs that allows easy communication. still, he's busy working, i know he's trying to save up more money to come hk and have a good trip with me, but that makes us have less time to meet online. also, i just couldn't stop myself but call him everyday, even if for a few minutes, just to hear his voice, to let myself know, this is like every other day, or perhaps, a long night till we can meet up the next day..

2007-08-13-1:13 a.m.
i'm always full of dreams.. unrealistic dreams in particular.. i thought i can make a difference, can make an impact.. but then, it's really tiring to stand steadfast to the dreams alone..
look at education.. look at the youngsters.. look at singaporeans.. look at people around me.. most importantly, look at myself.. what have i really done that i want myself to do or be? i know i can't be LKY or mother Teresa, but i really hope to be someone special... such as letting people feel that the world is a worthwhile place to live in, that what they do are worthwhile, that love is always there, that they are not alone, that they are actually very blessed....
kinda hard right?

2007-07-30-12:02 a.m.
I am so so so disappointed.. thought i could get on dean's list this year cause my YGPA is 4.95. Haiz.. the max is 5.00, i'm just 0.05 away. Thought i heard last year dean's list is only 4.80+.. I have 4.95!!!! Why am I not on the dean's list? And they never even announce, no way to check who are the ones who scored better than me. I thought this is the best grade i can get liao.. but still.. i'm not on the list.. why why? i just want to be on it for once. once will be quite sufficient in my 4 years university life. haiz...
so so so so so sad and disappointed..

2007-07-06-10:40 p.m.
It's really a nice attachment experience to XXSS. my mentor is a nice lady and I'm amazed that she's not stern and doesn't need to get yell at the students to maintain discipline. even when she's teaching the normal tech class with ah lians and a school bully that behaves like a gorilla hitting chest as and when and threatening smaller size classmates, she does not lose her temper at her students. guess i really have a lot to learn from her. well, not that i scold my kids but the fact that she can make them quiet without being fierce and inapproachable is something that i hope to achieve. but again, after just a few interactions with the kids in class, i guess i'm just that kind of teacher whom kids are not afraid. it's good because i know i can establish close relationship with them easily but bad because i can't maintain the discipline, which i can foresee i will be lectured by the sch management in future.

flying to hk soon.. time flies.. can't believe i have the chance to go overseas alone. will it be a lonely one? D said he's afraid i can't take care of myself there and worries for my safety but i know i'll be fine. i have guardian angel watching over me. i guess the most frightening thing should be loneliness and me missing my family, friends and andy. been spending time with him almost everyday during this holidays, definitely will be hard to adjust when i'm alone there. can't call or msg him as and when i like.. haiz.. and he's working night shift so it's hard to have video call online..

sob sob.. let's hope time flies in hk too

2007-07-04-7:23 p.m.
it's weird.. i don't know why i actually dreamt of him contracting aids from her. it's quite sad to hear that although it's in a dream. i can still feel the shock and impact when i wake up. luckily, i am not that type that have dreams that come true, if not it's really quite unfortunate to have that happen..
but then, why did i have such weird dreams? i'm not thinking of them, and it's been donkey years since i last hear from them. hmmm.. maybe, it just so coincident that a strange wave matched my brain activity frequency and BOOM~~ out came the strange dream..

2007-03-03-12:40 a.m.
hong kong.. here i come!!!!
yup.. been accepted for hk exchange. looking forward to it. just that it's a pity yr can't go along, i don't think i have much in common with the other 2. haiz.. binging and shopping trip alone won't be of much fun i guess.
biggest worry is i can't bear to leave andy! ya.. perhaps it's i'm too used to be with him everyday. can't imagine how i'll become when we're separated by miles. a little console is that we can communicate through video call on msn but still.. it doesn't seem to soothe my sadness and worries.
perhaps, if we can survive these few months, our relationship will be stronger and more confirm. but many things can happen within a few months, just like what happen to me in the past. let's hope history won't repeat itself. afterall, i felt very xing fu now compared to years ago so i hope this feeling can sustain till my hair turns white.. lolx

2006-12-21-12:18 p.m.
what's this? i'm quitting seriously. i earned back the money i spent. i ought to get a rest and spend more time with andy before i school reopen. he's also tire when i'm work cause he always have to wait for me to send me home. plus, it's not a fantastic job anyway. people i work with are not very nice seriously, especially the seniors. yucks!! when i work as relief teachers, i can ignore those seniors cause most of the time i'm facing the students but now i have to face the seniors and look at their hypocritical faces. furthermore, ever since i work there, i'm getting ill all the time. it's not worth spending my salary on seeing doctor right?
this just ins't a nice job. one part time girl has quitted yesterday, now it's my turn. no wonder they have to stuck working there. only nice people will have a nice life. i strongly believe in that..

2006-12-09-11:27 p.m.
i shouldn't be complaining but seriously, this aint an easy job. it's the most tiring and painful job i had, more tiring than being bar waitress or working at kiddy palace. i hate wearing the shoes, so tight and hard even though i spent 100+ for this bonia shoes. yes! spending even before i earn and just the 1st day and i'm so wear out from face to toe. the make up is eating my face and the constant smile numbed the muscles, i'm sure i'll look the worst in my life after this one month job.
haiz... really miss the time teaching tuition and being relief teacher. though i always lost my voice raising up my volume to speak the kids, i enjoy it so much and i don't feel that tired. it's emotional and monetary motivation in that job. but now?
well, i'm someone who always try to love the things i do because i believe that'll motivate me and in return i'll perform better in it. that's why i always get compliment from my ex employers saying that i'm so responsible and good. ya no kidding! i admit to that. but this time round, there's so many evil colleagues snatching my incentives away. i just asked them for help because it's my 1st day and they literally took away my customers and closed the bill writing their name. needless to say, they earn those commissions or incentives as the company puts it. and they asked me to guard the entrance to control flow of crowd, not giving me chances to serve customers and close deals. haiz... poor me. get bullied the 1st day at job. this is the 1st time i really felt so wei qu but what can i do?
guess i can only console myself that there's still a few good senior staffs around although the ratio of evil ones is significantly higher. and perhaps psycho and engage in self denial that this sales promoting job does not have incentives, it's merely by hour paid job. perhaps then i'll feel better? fat hope of course! how can i let money away? i'm so $$$$$ oriented! i won't and i learnt my lessons fast: i'll only seek help from nice seniors and always write down my name on receipts before i ask for help.
still, i feel pist with those evil colleagues.. (*.*||)

2006-10-22-12:16 p.m.
好想亲口对他们说：“很高兴你们现在很幸福，我为你们感到很高兴。”尤其是他，看到、听到他现在很快乐，和她活得开心，我真的很欣慰。庆幸他摆脱了昔日的沉重负担与悲伤，那是一段不堪回首的往事，希望他永远不要回到从前的他。
虽然我比他小，但以前总有自己在保护他的感觉，就像是一个姐姐一样。或许，这是我对他前世恩情的报答方式。uncle terry说从前我和他是在印度流离失所的兄妹，他非常保护我。那段艰苦的生活让我们确立了彼此的重要性，所以立下了誓约来世还要再守护对方，并和对方在一起……
你相信前世今生吗？我超相信的哦！而uncle terry也说将来我还会再遇到他，但那是很久以后，或许我俩已鬓发斑白。这不重要。重要的是我和他各自有着幸福的生活。
以前总是埋怨、后悔，但心情平复这么久了，我知道，无论当初多么难熬、充满悲伤，毕竟还是走过来了，而且也更成长了。
如果你或她看到了这些，只想诚心地祝福你们。愤怒、懊悔、哀伤都是过去了。以前的事谁说得清呢？希望你们也能携手并向未来，放下有关我的事情，尤其是若我会造成你们的不愉快。再一次，祝福你们…… (",)

2006-08-18-11:21 p.m.
原来人的记忆是很容易随时间的流水而消逝，并且从深刻慢慢变得浅，就像留在沙滩上的脚印被海水的冲击侵蚀…… 甚至，当回头看这些消失的脚印时，会怀疑当初是否走过这段路。

国庆日总会唤起一个沉睡的回忆：当时的我膝盖受伤，但国庆前夕班上的女生有场歌唱比赛必须穿牛仔裤。牛仔裤都是紧身的，可想而知穿了一定会一直和我的脚伤摩擦，可为了群体精神和难得的节日回忆，我还是咬着牙认同撑了半天。

本来他一直以责备的语气说我不该让自己辛苦，但他陪我回家后，便帮我敷药。我知道，一切都是为了我好。心理是感动的……

本来这是很深刻的回忆，但近日想起时，我竟然有种做梦的感觉，仿佛当初的一切都是梦。或许我还是清楚地记得这件事情，但心情却很肯定已随时间而淡化至无了。感觉就像是翻着自己的人生课本，看自己上过的课程。

是我而已吗？因为似乎有好多人在感情跌倒后好久好久都还没怕起……

或许因为我现在有个非常疼爱我的人一直守护着我，所以往事已无法对我造成影响。可是，无论如何，人总该学习放下和遗忘，因为执着于过去就会错失现在和将来。从他身上，我学会了爱人和付出。一切的不愉快都是过去了，我必须承认，那段感情维持不易，弄得我好累好累。虽然不开心的时刻似乎比开心的多，但都不重要了。事情我还记得，但当时的心情早已不复存在。没有他的离去，我现在也不会幸福。

现在想起他，不会像刚分手一样难过，反而会微笑。因为他是我感情的启蒙老师，也感激他让我有机会遇到更好的情人……

2006-07-03-6:04 p.m.
been a while since i've last added an entry. not that there's nothing to update but perhaps too much that i don't know where to start from..

been thinking about uncle terry's prediction that in future i'll become someone who view career and ambition as number 1, money as number 2 and then relationships. it's shocking when i first heard that. even xiao ling agree that it's not like me, basically people who know me will be surprised by that cause i seemed to put relationship as number 1, which is more obvious in love. i tend to put in so much that people around me think i'm not being myself. kinda agree with that but can't help it. uncle terry has always been accurate so what could change me? is it andy will hurt me so much that i put relationship aside? but unlikely cause i asked uncle terry about me and andy, and he said it's most likely me who will bring the relationship to an end..
so so curious about my future. well, but future can change right? fate lies in our own hand and i strongly believe in that. i hope to spend the rest of my life with the same person i have now.. to others, he might not seem the right choice, but what he has done for me, i'm the one who know best and feel it best, so at this moment, i still think he's the one.

2006-04-25-5:36 p.m.
是我让他改变的吗？我想是吧！和他不熟的时候，总觉得这有的男生不会是我的男友，又喝酒、又抽烟、夜晚又常和朋友出去、没好好料理钱财、没存钱，似乎难以有个可靠的将来。
但和我在一起后，他的恶习都改掉了，而且是自愿的，我并没强迫。现在他多数的时间都是陪我，就连他的朋友都抱怨说他重色轻友。哈哈！而且他开始想存钱了，他说是为了我们的将来。听了心理当然甜滋滋。
他迁就我很多，我着实被感动。我知道我会珍惜因为我厌恶失去。不过，我还是坚持某些原则，辜负我的人，不会在我心里留痕迹。我虽不会恨他，但我晓得许多关心我的人对这种人会没有好感。所以损失的最后不会是我，因为我是个很快可以忘记悲伤，继续上路的人……

2006-03-14-10:09 p.m.
老实说，我真的很害怕这种感觉。以往的经历告诉我，这个感觉是不祥的。当然，我不是神仙，没什么第六感。我也知道一切的伤痛和这感觉并没有太大的关联。毕竟，失去一个深爱的人，无论原因如何，破碎的心终究是破碎的，哪管是如何去令它成碎片的，不是吗？
那为何我会惧怕？为什么要排斥这个感觉？是我太好胜？不想让任何人知道我是多么缺乏安全感？我当然相信自己一个人生活也会很舒适自在，也不认为没有了谁我会活不下去。但，我却好害怕失去。我不要这样的感觉。当初的几段恋情，我是有心理准备他们不是我最终，因此无论我喜欢或爱他们的程度多深，我们的分离并未造成太大的伤害。我并没因此得忧郁症或变得低沉，有的只是一些对爱情的阴影………
究竟是这些阴影让我越来越没安全感，还是我对他的感觉已深到无法自拔？他对我很好，但越好我却越担心如果有一天没有他……
是他的过去让我畏惧？是我对自己没有自信？还是我太明白世上没有天长地久？
我真的不想要这样的感觉。这让我觉得自己很懦弱。我应该保护自己，虽然我并不希望这恋情结束，但至少我该像以前一样有心理准备，不然如果有一天他真的离去，我不知道自己会如何……

2006-03-10-11:12 a.m.
time flies.. exam is around the corner yet i'm still busy catching up with assignments and projects. it seems like 24 hrs a day is just so not enough for me. haha.. but 1/6 of my day is always spend on going out with him. perhaps if i use those time to study, i'll not feel so stress??
heh but i don't really feel stress abt exam now, just a bit stress with the deadline of assignments and projects. this sem module don't benefit me as much compared to last sem. 3 are beneficial, 1 is so so whereas the other 2 I kinda think it's a waste of time. it just shows that being knowledgeable about something doesn't guarrantee you'll be a good teacher. this is one key thing i have to bear in mind. in future when i become a teacher, i have to be wary not to commit those mistakes that i've seen today.
indeed my time might not be spend wisely but at least i feel happier compared to last sem. at least there's someone always there, i don't feel so empty now. people say love nourishes i hope it's true.. hope to do well in this sem exam and hope to look prettier.. loLx~~~

2006-02-23-7:13 p.m.
幸福是什么感觉，我好些时候没接触了。很开心，最近又能再次与幸福并肩。他固然不是完美，但我知道他很努力地让我被幸福包围。他一直很疼我，虽然我们偶尔有怄气，但都不会超过一个晚上，因为我们都不愿看道对方不开心。我想，我们的感情很平淡，但我不介意，这样我已很满足。轰轰烈烈的恋情，刻苦铭心的爱情我都尝过了，现在我只想要简简单单地享受这段初开花的感情。希望我或他不会令他或我失望……

2006-02-14-5:10 p.m.
din finish studying my hp202 test, might need to stay up tonight to study but i'm so happy today. we were talking on the phone while i'm lying on my bed. he was on his way back to office then. i was thinking of taking a short nap then at night can study after eating dinner with him. then i heard door knock, thought i heard it wrongly. he asked me why i suddenly so quiet, told him i heard door knock but never mind cause if it's my room mate she'll open the door. then the door knock came again, he asked me to go check out. when i look through the door hole, a soft toy was blocking my view, i didn't open the door until he said it was him.
i was so surprised, didn't expect him to turn up in front of me during working hours. i felt so sweet. feel so bad now that i used to think he's not romantic. he gave me a bracelet, cute little mickey mouse and adorable aristocat. he said he spent quite some amount of money to fish up the mickey mouse. glad, happy, sweet, xing fu.. all these feelings just blast up. he told me it was more sincere to fish up those plushies than buying it. whatever the case, i had a most memorable valentine day for my 19 years of life.

2006-02-12-11:39 a.m.
I feel so guilty neglecting my studies this 2 months. But somehow, i find it so hard to reject when he ask if i need his accompany. i think we're meeting up almost every night after his work but we don't feel sian. (at least not now :P)
at the same time i feel so xing fu. having someone to be there for me whenever i need him. perhaps that's why dennis chose to leave, like what he said, there are a lot of better guys out there who can provide me with the basic need i want. indeed, now i found one but i'm pretty sure not every one can give me the kind of feeling andy gives and not every one can be like him. he treats me well, very well i should say, think much better then how he treat his ex. i'm not trying to compare but i'm really glad to be in this relationship, to love and be love again.
i hope.. though this is not mine and his 1st relationship, but we'll be the last for each other..

2006-01-19-3:35 p.m.
this sem time table seems so pack.. or maybe because need to devote more time to other stuffs ;P
wanted to take 7 modules but really don't dare, cause i expect to spend quite a lot of time with andy. well, all relationships start sweet initially mah just hope the sweetness can last and both of us won't get sick ba.
despite all these, studies is still VERY important. manage to get at least A- for all modules last sem so this sem must keep up with the good work. ooppss... forgot to state down new year resolutions. ha but quite redundant actually. no need to make known i guess. but there're some new year wishes, standard ones that i make every year..
1)may the world be in peace with no more tragedy, wars, conflicts and disaster
2)may my family, love ones and friends be happy and healthy at all times
3)may all evil doers repent and do no more evil
oh.. well.. thinking of whether i should include this issue guess i will since ppl who read this blog are my close friends only.
was a bit shock when i overhead shiwen wrote that i pestered tinghao for money. not angry but surprised. maybe i thought it was a foolish act.. trying to defame me?? i don't know. perhaps she just dislike me or tinghao told her lies again. either way, i just find it funny that things were over between me and tinghao for such a long time and she could still put me in her blog? ha perhaps i should feel honoured? (@,@) it's just so senseless to me. if anyone believe those stuffs i can just said they have low IQ to take a bragger's words to be true. she's really a hypocrite ba. she actually greeted me when she saw me in school last year. seriously, i don't see the need. we're not even hi bye friends and she dislike me so what for do that? hypocrites.. can't be bothered. the world is full of hypocrites. glad i'm smart enough to filter them out of my social circle. ;) mum said i'm antisocial but i think i just wanna be truthful to myself. i can't imagine myself smiling to people i dislike (not hate nor detest, just have a negative feeling about these people. it's women instinct, and a very smart and nice woman instinct so it's pretty accurate. LOL) so if i seldom mix around with certain people depsite i know them, i guess it's just that they don't make me feel positive about them. perhaps it's their darkness in personality and character that makes me doesn't like to interact with such people. it's natural for people to have flaws in characters, but some people just make me feel that they're evil yet still trying to act innocent, that i really can't stand. well, one day when i read up more and gain more experience about handling hypocrites, perhaps i'll change my social habits but that time definitely isn't now.
heh. so last new year wish..
4)shiwen, tinghao and hypocrites out of my eyesight and life :)

2005-12-29-6:20 p.m.
i'm surprised! that i actually ventured into another relationship. well, guess it's fate...
i feel safe and happy with him. a long lost feeling i'm searching since don't know when. it's weird though, to think that i made the choice to be with him in such a short period of time.
it's so nice to be love and taken care of again. :) had so many 1st times in this relationship. haha.. don't get the wrong idea. i mean 1st times to places like mount faber, kallang river, pasir ris beach.. some are 1st times there with a loved one, while others are really my 1st time there. it's indeed more convenient if your partner has a transport, though it's his company transport. (@,@) glad we spent so much time together and the more time we spent, the more assured i am that this will be a memorable relationship.
i finally deleted the msg from dennis. i thought i'll never find the courage to do that, but andy manage to do so.
in fact, he' not special in any way, not those extremely good looking, not extremely rich, not very romantic or whatsoever.. but he just gives me a content, loved, safe and peaceful feeling. in the past, there's always something lacking in my relationship someway or another but this time, for the 1st time, i feel so content and satisfied that i don't feel like asking for more. i don't know how long this feeling will last but i'm glad to be in this relationship.
i know things don't always work out the way we want them to. i always hope my relationship can last but they don't. still... i hope.. and pray.. this will work out. after all i think i'm ready for a stable relationship. (",)

2005-11-25-1:36 a.m.
staying up to study for tmr paper-- Religion and Social Life. it's a heavy module cause so many readings required but i like it very much.
i learnt alot from this module, makes me have the intention to go deeper into it.
abit tired but my heart is beating fast, having difficulty to catch breath, must be caffeine effect from the coffee i drank. thought uni life will be slacker. ha ya i did slack a lot that's why have to rush stay up for the night to study. guess i undermined uni or overestimated myself.
tonight reminds me of alevel prelim, staying up to study bio. haha.. and another memorable time during o levels...
1st paper was english and i was so anxious that i couldn't get to sleep. think i was quite mean to call him and he actually stayed up through the night with me even though he was tired. it's been a long time and now our hearts are both attached to different ppl but i'm grateful for some wonderful memories he left behind. after all, i hope when i'm old, i'll remember only the nice and not the sad memories. =)

2005-05-02-6:13 p.m.
can time really wash or fade away memories? i can throw all the things he gave me, but what about the memories?
i also thought it's easier to forget him since we don't really spend much time together.. but.. everytime i talked to wh, it seems to re-enforce the feelings i have for him. why??
heartache? ya it's that kinda sour sour, heart-twisted feeling i get when i thought of him...
will this kind of feeling go away half a year later? or 1 year? or 2 years....
will it ever go away?
it's unfair to find someone else when your heart still beat for another person right?

2005-04-18-8:30 p.m.
been having heartaches since 3 years ago. always afraid that i will get sudden heart attacks till i read an article on heart broken syndrome. think that's more applicable to me.
heart broken syndrome patients experience the kind of pain like heart attack though they do not have family history or suffer from it. heart broken syndrome occurs to people who have traumatic incidents in relationship, career....
so how did i get that? o_O

2005-04-13-11:03 p.m.
cut my hair yesterday. that hairdresser cut away the portion of my hair which is permed. din manage to stop her. haiz i realised i quite like my wavy hair...
we are always like that, only miss something when we really lost them. i din really appreciate my wavy hair till someone cut it off. still, we have to learn not to have regrets in life. i love this new hairstyle i have now.
used to cut hair or do a different hairstyle when i fall out of love. now i think it doesn't matter anymore. why should i do things only when someone upsets me? i can do anything i want so long as i wish but i should not let someone else dominate how i feel, how i look..
很怀念那时心心相印的感觉……当我难过或想他时，他会感觉到，很快就打给我。可能那时候，他的心也系在我这儿，所以我们能感应到彼此。如今呢？
那种感觉我只和他才会有，以前和廷豪都不会，哪管我曾以为自己很爱他。我确实很爱，但可能是单方面的，所以我和廷豪没有心灵感应。
我好怕以后交往的人都不能有这样的感应，那时我就会想一定是这个人不够爱我或是我不够爱他，那我岂不是很难找到幸福？
他曾对我说，如果有劲敌出现，他会不顾一切争取他的幸福。现在倘若真的有人追我，他会履行他说的话吗？
唉……想了也没用。有缘的话，我们还是会再聚。到时，不管多少人反对，只要他愿意，我会陪他走完这个人生。

2005-04-03-10:55 p.m.
poor xiaoling.. think she's under pretty much stress as a secondary school teacher. her supervisor is quite mean to her, keep threatening and hinting that she's incapable and should withdraw from the scholarship. she must be frightened that xiaoling will get promoted fast and surpass her position.
i guess i'm a very lucky girl or at least, an optimistic one. i seldom feel stress up by work, academic, or whatsoever because i always love what i'm doing. it may be a new area which i venture into, or an area i absolutely dislike initially but i will change my mindset positively. thus so far.. things are always happy and smooth for me.
love used to be quite smooth and happy too. or should i say i was once very optimistic and looking forward to it. things change after being with them. tomorrow is his birthday. the one whom i first love, first shed tears for and first broke my heart for.. now i locked him in a secret parlour in my heart, hopefully no one can find the key.
as for the next one i love.. sadly, i'm trying to find a key to lock him in my heart...
i don't blame the both of them for teaching me to love them but not how to bid farewell. i don't deny i wanted more, but it takes 2 hand to clap. i can only say i have no affinity with them....

2005-03-31-11:39 p.m.
had a great time singing ktv with lina, yu'e and boon kee! really enjoyed myself yesterday. :)
went to fortune telling in the morning too. the man said i will have a prosperous life ahead and my life line is going up unlike most people whose lives worsen. hope what he said is true. i always wanted to be successful cause all my dreams can only be realised with $$. of course i have to maintain this heart and mentality. many people got obsessed with money when they earn more.. they become slaves of $$. i won't want to fall in that diabolical trap. it's not easy but i believe i'm different and unique. my wish and ambition will follow me whole life.
the fortune telling man also said i'll get married at 24,25. well, not bad for me. this age, erm.. quite ideal but i am more interested who will i be marrying ba.. but the man did not talk much about my future partner. maybe future can't be fully predicted. after all, a person with a bright future ahead can ruin it in one night by taking drugs, gambling, or committing whatever sins..
“不是不报，时辰未到……”

2005-03-07-9:06 p.m.
I'm really glad. he finally replied but it makes me scare again.

i know how he feel now, but he tells me he has to let me go cause he doesn't want to be selfish and deprive me of chances. i have to convince him again, but i'm not confident of doing that. lina failed to do so, i'm not sure if i can succeed.

but i really love him. i don't want to lose him, never, never. i wanna try fighting. fight until i think it's really hopeless. then i'll step back and love him silently.....

2005-02-15-10:17 a.m.
have you read about the passage "a reason, a season, a lifetime"? i did. he was the one who sent it to me when i just fall out of love.

before things went wrong, i wanted to ask him.. "are you in my life for a reason, a season or a lifetime?" but i didn't. we talked a lot, about heaven and earth, about everything around us yet i didn't ask him this question. i thought, "never mind, there's still plenty of chances ahead." and then the road in front of us broke down.

now, i found out the answer myself. he's here for a reason.

"For a reason,
It is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly,
They have come to assist you,
Through a difficulty,
To provide you with guidance and support,
To aid you physically,
Emotionally, or spiritually,
They may seem like a godsend,
And they are,
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
This person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end,
Sometimes they die,
Sometimes they walk away,
Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand,
What we must realize is that our need has been met,
Our desire fulfilled,
Their work is done,
The prayer you sent up has been answered,
And it is now time to move on"

he helped me through the most difficult times before. now that i'm grown up and with the experiences i've been through, i can handle things now. so.. he left.

i had a feeling. i'm not sure if it's true. but he knows he's here for a reason. that's why he sent me this mail, so that when he left, this passage will answer my doubts.

it's strange that i remembered all the things he said or did so clearly. i hope.. somehow.. i also leave some good memories behind..

2005-01-25-8:52 p.m.
phew! i've been the form teacher of 2/10 for 2 days. it sure wasn't an easy job. this class is full of wonderful and problematic kids.
there's eamon who's a cute little boy with 2 front teeth missing but likes to yell at the top of his lungs. there's also handsome timothy who's talkative, likes to scream and walks about during lesson time. just found out today that he's the only son in his family. he sounded quite lonely when he told me this, i can feel that, so i had a good talk with him, and true enough, his behaviour improved. and there's devanshire, a petite bespectacled boy who's not cute to me. he also likes to roam about in the class, but i don't detest him. i suspect he's hyperactive. another unreined horse in my class is ryan. oh my! initially i thought he was a quiet boy. yes indeed he was. however his roaming is still quite distracting. fortunately he looks cute. ;p
there are a number of cute girls in my class too. girls like small sized cheryl the monitress, jia yi who's always smiling at me and michelle who enjoys answering questions.
oh! and there's quite a few indians (karan the monitor and vikas a very helpful student) in my class. i'm not a racist person so i enjoy their presence. they're all cute and obedient, except rashmita. found out that she often tells lies and she has frightening imagination. she actually walked to me and said she remembered i borrowed a pen from ebenezer who lost his pen. OMG! think i'm getting a bit biased cause the moment i found out rashmita's problems, i got pretty irritated with her. she's also an attention seeker and i try my best not to give her that. though i believe there must be some underlying reasons for her behaviour, i think i'll need time to unravel that. i'm not really interested in her yet. =p
also found out there's many unwed female teachers in the school. think this phenomenon occur everywhere. wonder if it's due to those kids they're teaching. well i do agree i don't like the noise pollution they create everyday, still, i think that doesn't dissuade me from having children of my own. =)
talking about children reminds me of him. does he remember what he said to me? or was i fantasizing? how can i tell him all that i've been through this 2 months? i wanted to share my everyday with him and i hope he'll do the same.. haiz.. i know this will not come true. still, that's a nice wish to have throughout this life.......................................

2005-01-25-9:59 a.m.
sometimes i'm really glad i had this blog. i always thought diary is a secret and no one, except the omnipotent and me. like what astrology always analysed about me,

"You have no thought of depending on others.
You believe other people are other, you are you.
And will go on living your own way."
from http://noracom.net/eng/fortune/fortune.php

but this blog allows me to talk to myself, talk to my close friends and from there, hopefully we learn to live life together. i agree we are all fools in love, perhaps even in life. however, if given the choice to choose between a genius and fool, i would still prefer a fool. because a fool is not as calculative and most of the time, we can still carry on with life even if we suffer setbacks. a genius might not be so lucky. after all, how many genius in the world can withstand one and another falls?

yes we're fools my friends. but trust me, it's only a blessing and not a curse. we have a lesser tendency to complicate things. and even though we feel upset with what's happening now, i strongly believe few years down the road, these incidents will not have such deep impacts on us anymore. they'll leave a sweet scent down our memory lane. someday when we gather around, these are fun little gossips we'll share. ;)

at the moment, just enjoy the mixed emotions we're going through k? let your tears flow down if necessary. i've always believe it's a bliss to be able to tear. let's learn to live our teen lives together k? happy or sad. it's still part of life. since life is a script of you, you wouldn't want your script to be a dulling one right? let it be fill with exciting ups and downs.. and i promise i'll be a good audience and supporting actress in your show. =)

2005-01-24-10:26 a.m.
love is indeed hard to comprehend. everyone's got their own story to tell, and each is filled with tears, irony and laughter. when we look at other's story, we tend to say, "argh~~ what for? why suffer so much for a worthless guy/girl?","why is he/she so foolish?" but, have we ever look at ourselves? aren't we sharing the same "stupid" feeling that those who are in love are having? that makes us fools too.....
haiz.. why can't love be simply care, gentle and happiness only? perhaps that won't make it special and imprint in our hearts. we shouldn't complain, shouldn't feel lost. it's a blessing to love even if there's no return.
it hurts to see my friends loving one-sidedly and get so upset when their love is not reciprocate. i encounter the same problem. i'm not sure if i'm as sad as them? but, we can't measure love, sadness and happiness on a scale right? i know i love him a lot. i was very hurt for him neglecting me. i know there's nothing i can do. relationship is a battle unlike academic which i can fight smoothly.
it's bullshit that true love is to see your loved one stay happy always. of course i want him to be happy. but it's also a fact that everyone who's in love, somehow want their loved one to return them their love.
someday.. i hope... we can all be with our loved ones.. and if that day really comes.. we must treasure them k?

2005-01-22-9:36 p.m.
lina was right. all along, i said i'm frozen but yesterday, lina said if i'm feeling this way because of him, then he definitely felt worse than me since his previous relationships lasted so long and i guessed marriage was under his consideration..
indeed, before we were together, he told me his heart was frozen and immuned to others' love. that time i told him i will try to change his thinking. ha.. now.. seems like i'm the one who got influenced by him. i still remember clearly he told me if someone can melt his heart, he'll love like never before, and the person will be very xing fu. that time, i got that gut feeling that i'll be the person. but.. seems like i'm wrong.
i can't blame anyone. i can't complain. he must have had his reasons for doing this. i can only blame myself for failing to melt his heart..
i'm giving him a deadline. 13 feb.. his birthday. if i can't confirm what's going on. i have to admit we're not meant to be. but, that doesn't mean i'll stop loving him....

2005-01-17-10:36 p.m.
hehe.. today's my 1st day relieving at st hilda primary. was a bit nervous after hearing cher's horrible experience, but of course i still look forward to it because i love kids. =)
it didn't go too bad for me. of course there bound to be mischievious clowns in every class. i took over pri 1,2 and 3 chinese classes. the 1st one was pri 3 class and it's at a 11am slot. saw nicole and amelia from kampong senang but they didn't recognise me, perhaps cause they only saw me in tj uniform and they've never seen my new hairstyle. i had to remind nicole i'm the jie jie in uniform and she was so happy to know it was me. guess they missed me a lot. (hehe, cause i always buy sweets for them. i'm good at bribing kids. hurhur~~) a girl in the class cut out a heart shaped and wrote thank you chen lao shi for me. so sweet of her. and nicole drew a pic of me and slipped it in my bag. some girls asked for my hp number, said they wanna sms me. and one of them really msg me in the afternoon.

the guys were really noisy but well, that's in their nature, luckily i didn't had to shout too loud, i have my way of handling with the kids and it work just fine.

for little chucky like cher's students, i didn't had to scold them. there's this pri 2 boy, quite out of hand, but well, i didn't blow up. no need to scream my head off, i just asked him to stand outside. obviously he still moved about but i totally ignored him. he looked quite pist that i refused to let him enter the class and didn't pay attention to his pranks. he stood for approximately 2 lessons, i'm quite mean hor? =p

nah i'm kind. the kids said i am so nice to them, cause i never scold them. well, to speak truthfully, i did scold them but they don't get me. am i really that gentle? (@,@)

initially, i didn't like working there. i'm all alone and i saw many students working as long term relief teacher there and there's this fat girl who really think she's a teacher giving those kinda sickening attitude. *puke* (sorry, i shouldn't be so mean. i'm not thin too but she's definitely fatter than me and she's too cocky!) luckily, i get used to being alone very fast. i have no problem being a loner i guess. i enjoy accompany of friends and loved one. but i'm quite choosy over who i want to be with. i may have many friends but real close ones not many. some people, i don't feel the sincerity in them so well, i'll never get too close to them. sad to say, many people are too hypocritical and it's pretty obvious cause i can sense it so strong. (well, maybe my close friends are very very good actors thus i thought they're very sincere. =p)
so you see, i rather be a loner than endanger myself mixing too much with wolves hid under sheep's skin. it's ok to befriend them cause i can learn some life experience from them too. after all, i have to face all kinds of people in society sooner or later. must quickly learn to face all types of masked people! quite shameful to say, i also wear a mask. but still, i'll send super strong signals aka brainwaves to the person and tell the person to stay away from me if i really think he/she is a menace. sounds cool right? haha.. i'm always so cool. there's so much more mysterious stuffs about me that you all have yet to find out. ;)

2005-01-11-9:29 p.m.
talked to my sis last night. i like that kinda feeling, the bonded kinship between us. we were discussing about which suki sushi should we go to celebrate her birthday. lina told me there was one at parkway, supposedly, it's the closest but i told my sis i didn't want to go there anymore, cause i don't wanna see him...

she's quite smart, she knew who i was referring to--- ting hao. then, she started cursing him. i've never told her about the 2 of us, though she seen him a couple of times when he came to our house. i didn't know why she hated him so much, perhaps cause i'm her sister? guess she can feel how hurt i am last time, even though i've never shared anything with my family. i've never told them anything about him, be it his good points or bad points. guess i don't have the habit to share my feelings with people, even with friends, i guess i hide some. why?? i don't know. scared maybe..
in the past, i didn't dare to tell anyone about my relationship with him because i know almost everyone is against him, so it's quite pointless to talk to them, cause they'll only have one advice ba.. that is break up with him. plus, at that time, i know my close friends don't like him. so i sort of hide all the problems.. his violence, his unreasonable, his lies.. instead i only told people especially lina his good points-- his romance, his sweetness, how he doted on me. why? cause i wanted them to have a good impression of him.

so i kept all the pain and sadness to myself. everytime we quarrelled, no matter how upset i was, i forced a smile on my face in front of rp people. can't remember how many times did i wear that mask. but there's 2 most unforgettable incidents which were still deeply imprinted in my heart..

if i'm not wrong, he was unhappy with me for ignoring him and talking to my friends, so he crashed the sandwiches i made and gave me a cold hard stare. i was so so so hurt.. =~( i spent one whole night to make the sandwiches and he didn't even appreciate. tears almost rushed out of my eyes. i had to bury my head on the table and did constant self talk to cool myself down. luckily it was recess time, not many people were in the class so no one came to talk to me. even though he still ate up those sandwiches, but the pain followed me the whole day...

on another occassion, i stayed in school to accompany him revise in the "fish tank." GD, CM and daniel were there too. one of them asked me questions so i went to explain to him, then TH also had questions to ask me, which of course i had to follow 1st come 1st serve basis. but obviously, i offended him again. he actually threw the pink crystal pendant which i gave him on the floor. that crystal was meant to bring him luck and it was one of my favourite. pink crystal also represented love, which is part of the reason i gave him. the fate of the crystal is expected, it broke into 2.. my heart also broke into 2 that time. tears welled up in my eyes, but because BK was looking, i tried very very hard to swallow them back. i still keep the broken crystal. haiz... i should have know that the crystal predicted the final fate of our relationship...

my sis said i should take revenge on TH, but what for? i told her indeed i was very disappointed and furious that he went after SW so fast after our breakup. makes me feel that i was nothing to him after this 2 years plus. but.. i've never thought of having any revenge. it's not worth it to commit sins for him. and i've never hated anyone this whole life, wouldn't want to break my principle because of him. he's not worth it. my sis, after all still young, can't digest what i said so insisted that if this guy ever return, she'll take a revenge for me.
i have to give her better reasons to give up that thought. so i told her, he was also nice to me, not very evil, thus no need to be so mean to him. she asked, "huh! got ah? like what?" she seemed so doubtful about it. "like buying things for you?" i had to pause a while to think of the answer..
in the end, i decided to void that factor. i said he was very romantic and sweet to me at times which is true. furthermore, i told her time has healed the wound. finally.. my sis gave up the revenge talk, though she still grumbled about him. it's strange though. we never discussed about TH before, why she sound so agitated for me?
but for me.. these are all bygones le. love.. once there ba. it's impossible to forget of course, after all, he's the 1st one i learnt to love and the 1st guy i shed tears for. let it be a lesson i told my sis. a precious experience for me. he did hurt me deeply, but he also taught me how to love, didn't he? so i won't hate him.. =)

2005-01-09-1:23 p.m.
donated blood yesterday with lina and patch of blue black appearred on my right arm since yesterday. i remembered this didn't occur the previous time, strange.. but well, last time i almost fainted on the spot. hit by a dizzy spell after donating. sounds like i'm so weak, which is quite ironic judging from my size.
anyway, every time i donate blood i would be reminded of him. cause he also donates blood regularly. :) i'm hoping that one day we can go to HSA together. isn't it sweet to have your loved one accompanying you to donate blood? then i won't be afraid of getting dizzy spell. =p
lina said it's sweet to see couples shopping in supermarket buying daily products eg breads or even sanitary pad, cause it means there's no need to hide anything else between each other. that's true. i find it very sweet too. ha but for me.. sweet is just 2 person in love spending time with each other. no need to go out or spend money, just be by each other's side, that'll be enough for me. :) if i were to choose, spending time together at home is sufficient. after all, he's a sweet person, so any time spend with him will be memorable ones.........

2005-01-08-7:22 p.m.
yeah!! finally my pc has recovered and i can use internet. no need to spend money to buy a new com for the time being. saving up to buy a laptop when i go to uni.
can u believe it? i've always wonder if dreams reflect our deepest desire or they are mirrors that predict the future in an opposite manner... i seldom dreamt of the person i like or love, but i remember few days before TH broke up with me, i dreamt of him every night, and it's all sweet dreams, though i have a bad feeling about them. and in the end, i'm correct, those dreams are ominous.. but this time, i dreamt of him replying my email. and guess what! he really replied to me on the day i woke up! though the email content was slightly different, i was still quite shock. moreover, lina also dreamt that he replied my email. was it a coincidence? or was it really our premonition?
anyway.. if lina was right.. and if my feeling was right.. there isn't much problem actually. though i still feel uncomfortable with it. guess the time spend with someone doesn't indicate how much you care or love for the person right? at least not for him. think i have not fully adapt to his kinda busy lifestyle, but it's ok! i'll try. if you love a person, you won't mind sacrificing anything for him right? plus, adapting isn't really a sacrifice.
it's strange actually.. last time when TH talked about migrating to Australia, i'll argue with him and we always ended up quarrelling. *haha* but then when now, the words came out from his mouth, i actually find it ok. how come? maybe i really love him ba.. from this kinda small things, it's really easy to see how deep is your love for someone....

2005-01-01-3:21 p.m.
it's been quite some time since I updated this entry.. haven't been able to get a pc and not really in the mood to blog or surf the net, except to look for scholarship programmes and universities.
didn't manage to sign up for the diploma cause it's only cheap for corporate prices but i don't belong to any company. it's too expensive, i can't afford. but doesn't matter, i'm interested in taking up double degree in university, preferably psychology and business management/chinese. and after my degree, i wanna take a nursing diploma! the tsunami incident has deeply affected me, inspired me to take up nursing so i can play a part in times of unfortunate times. i tried to volunteer to those organisations but they said they wanted people with medical background, i was so disappointed lor!!
another sad thing... haiz.. thinking about it make me so sad... don't want to talk about it also. so vague.. maybe in the end it's i think too much.. or if it's really a bad thing, i also can't salvage the problem so thinking of it can't help. but....... i'm really sad. does he know? where is he? the question i've been asking for 6 weeks.. why has he choose to disappear all of a sudden? things were still going on so well during my a level. or was it all a made up? so that i will not get distracted and affected for my a level? if this is so, is he being kind or cruel? perhaps he's afraid to hurt me that time.. but he doesn't know what he's doing now might hurt me more. why is he afraid to hurt me? reject is nothing. i'm strong. i'll always be strong. i won't cling on to those who don't want me, no matter how sad, how hurt, how much i love them. but for him.. i don't know why. even if he leaves my life, he'll not leave my heart.. guess it's fate ba...........

2004-12-10-10:58 p.m.
grad night was a wonderful evening for me. now i'm finally convinced people do look better after dressing up, but i hope i'm not under that category. (i wanna look good naturally. hahahaha~~)
am looking for a diploma currently. will sign up tomorrow i guess. wanna keep myself as busy as possible, cause i'm aiming to be a career woman. yup yup. hope i can get the job at the car retail shop too, then i'll be working, studying and teaching my cousin tuition at the same time. busy heh? ya.. that's my purpose! when i got the money, i can use it to buy facial products, do charity, doll up myself...

2004-10-25-11:35 a.m.
hi my friends.. miss me? it's been some time since i update my blog, well, can't help it. my com is spoilt and i doubt i have the money to repair it or buy a new onw one.
the a level bio practical which i just taken last thursday was a bad start for a levels. nontheless, i won't give up, nor will i get disheartened. i'll try my very best to get my 4 "A", 3 "DISTINCTION" and prefarably an A2 for gp. GAMBATTE TO MYSELF AND MY DEAR FRIENDS TAKING A LEVEL OUT THERE!
last night, i read "Living in love", a book with mother Teresa's quotes. it's not the 1st time i read it, but everytime i look at the quotes once more, new inspirations came and i tend to do more reflections.
as mother Teresa had said, love is love. i shouldn't expect any form of recieve when i love someone, that is what love is all about. i understood this very long ago, but understanding and following are 2 different issues. there was once i did wanted to follow. i told myself, i'm gping to love ting hao no matter whta. i don't care if he's not going to love me back, i don't mind. i just want to love him and that's it. i know it'll be painful but i don't mind..
in the end, i didn't manage to do that. i can't tell the reasons. perhaps i found someone else to love, perhaps cause ting hao dashed all my trust for him, couldn't even believe little things he said, can't trust him as a friend, am utterly disappointed. or perhaps cause the debt i owe him in my previous life has been repaid. whatever the reason, it doesn't matter now. there is still love for him no doubt, but this love is for the god that lives insdie him. it's no longer the love between 2 person only. in fact this is something joyous because i believe this kinda love is everlasting and i'm willing to do any sacrifices for it. of course he's not the only one who's loved by me. i love all my friends too, my family, and people who hate me. i strongly believe if everyone can love every others, there will be less catastrophe.
after all, "LOVE UNITES. IT NEVER DIVIDES."

2004-10-14-9:54 a.m.
oh i can't believe it! i actually went to perm my hair yesterday!! well, i wanted to change my hairstyle, so i asked the hair stylist to decide for me. he flipped a hair magazine and pointed one quite appealing hairstyle to me. it looks ok. small curl. very stylish so i nodded my head. ah and the final product~~ ha.. culry hair ends.. short fringe.. hope the perm effect dies off soon. i want the small wavy effect not curly hairs.
why the sudden urge to change a hairstyle? perhaps because i feel sad. sad for lina. then somehow, feel that maybe i will end up like her, so might as well get a new hair style first if not i won't be free during a level. i know i sound pessimistic, but after hearing lina's story, i just can't stop thinking about the problems which exist, and as i've mentioned before, i am willing to face these problems, but will he think the same way? or he'll think the same way as eric? after all, they are about the same age, they should share the same mentality plus they are both so occupied with work.
haiz... it's sad to think of such things. lina tell me to treasure what i have now and do what i want if not i will have regrets like what she has now..
yesterday, i finally got to talk to him but as i was doing hair perming, we didn't talk long. i should be satisfied though. i pretended that it's ok even though we seldom contact, i should be happy that we finally got the chance to talk. but then, after talking, i yearned for more. greedy right?

2004-10-12-11:46 a.m.
i think i've really learnt lotsa things in life recently, especially after that previous relationship i had. initially, when the relationship just ended, i came to a conclusion that many at times, people are upset not by the ways in which a relationship is brought to an end, but rather, by the fact that love has left our lives. at that point of time, i begin to pity those who cried and develop hatred for their once loved whom betrayed them, or for their irresponsible, selfishness... because i felt that these people still don't understand themselves. they don't even know why they are in pain. they often said, if only he told me earlier, if it's because of some other reasons, i will not feel so upset. but come to think of it.. no matter what is the reason of breakup, you'll still be hurt. right??
however, now, i realised i was terribly wrong. of course i still think that people get hurt ultimately because love has left. but i suddenly came to my senses that, hey! there's no love in the previous relationship at all. or rather, it's a one sided love. why do i say so?
if there's love, he wouldn't lie to me to make me his gf.
if there's love, he wouldn't bear to make me cry endlessly throughout the nights.
if there's love, he wouldn't have dream of some other girl while i was still his gf.
if there's love, he wouldn't have complain about my absence in australia and made that an excuse of a faded love.
if there's love, he wouldn't have lie to me so many times.
most importantly, if there's love, it would have conquered every hurdles.
i know many people often questioned why is love unable to conquer all the problems they faced in relationship, when their relationship is facing a crisis, or has come to an end. i, myself, has questioned this many times too. i even asked him, and he would simply reply, you don't understand the whole situation. at that time, i really lose faith in love.
however, recently, i seems to understand things better. i feel unjust for "love". "love" is a strong emotion, and it can definitely succumb all obstacles. the reason why problems can affect a relationship is because there's not enough love, or perhaps, there's no love at all. it may be just like. "like" is a weak emotion, naturally, it can't work as much miracles as "love". and so, i finally come to my senses that, hey! he doesn't love me at all.
well, i do feel upset that a 2 years plus relationship actually came to such a conclusion, but sadly, this is the fact and i have to accept it. in the past, i really regret having such a relationship. it's not memorable at all since it has no love in it...
now, i think everything happens for a reason. it was through this relationship where i got to know come good friends, become closely bonded to them and of course, find my other love.
TO DEAR LINA~~
we've known each other for almost 6 years. i know you've always disapprove of my previous relationship. guess i should have listen to you earlier. doesn't matter now, most importantly, i learnt my lessons. thanks for being there throughout these 6 years. :) although there are some misunderstandings in between but i'm positive real friendship can overcome all these minor problems. i'll be there for you till the day i leave this earth too girl.
i know you're upset about eric. know you feel disappointed in relationship. but i truly believe there is real love in this world and you'll meet him someday. you love him a lot, but the moment he said it's the end, it just goes to show, you love him more. i hope you'll find someone who love you as much as you do for him, or even more than you love him. in that way, you'll be a happier person. cheer up for the time being. i believe you're a blessed girl. your future is bright~~ love always dear buddy;p
TO YILING AND CHERLYN~~
thanks for your accompany these 2 years. i know there's been some kinda rivalry between us. it's ok. it's just bits and pieces of life. to me, academic always come after friendship. that is why i chose combined science in secondary 3. :)
you 2 seen my tears few months ago. tears i shed for someone who doesn't love me. i was smart in academic maybe, but definitely stupid in relationship. thanks for you girls who tolerated my foolishness in relationship. i really appreciate the shoulders and care you girls showed to me when i was feeling down. thanks for tolerating my sudden mood swings. you're both my competitor and good friends! love you girls always! and hope we stay in contact~~ (we can play mahjong 20 years later in yiling's house) ;p
TO MY DEAR~~
he doesn't read my blog but never mind. actually, till now, i'm still unsure if the love which exist between us is strong enough to overcome all the possible problems that we're going to face. nontheless, i know i love him a lot. if there's going to be a day in which he leaves me cause he finds his true love, or some other reasons, i'll still love him and i will not make a fuss out of it, not like the previous relationship. i know relationship is the most unpredictable part in life. i'll cry but i'll be glad enough that we both stay sincere to each other when we're together. that alone, would be a sweet memory for me and him. :) he's going to australia for a month this saturday. gonna miss him a lot. guess he won't be there when my A level starts, but his photo will accompany me through this exam period ba~~ hope he'll miss me when he's overseas..
i've also know a good friend WH through my previous relationship. he's really a good friend who accompanied me through the lonely nights of tears welling in my eyes. he cheered me up a lot, and i think i can forget about the past within such a short time becuase of him. he's good because he not only console me but also points out my flaws. i'm very grateful of that.
in conclusion, though the precious relationship brought me much pain, i don't really regret. after all, i've gained so much more in life. friendships, experience, a new chance to love...
the relationship may not be memorable and in fact quite hurtful but the side products are those that made me feel grateful for it.

lastly, i hope that my blog is visited by people who care for me or want to know me more. if you're not one of them, don't bother reading it and commenting on how my thoughts and feelings. you have no right to do so. i deleted one entry due to a nonsensical call, and that'll be the last time i do so for any body.

2004-09-22-3:12 p.m.
so happy last night cause he called me!! yup! he called in the evening but well, didn't talk very long. he asked me got revise these few days, i said of course i did, if not someone will scold me. he asked who? i replied "you lor." then he asked, "you want me to be your what?" haha. of course i say "my dear." but he so bad!! cause he said many people call him dear already, i should call something else. well fine! i shall call him oei next time. wanted to ask him am i his only dear even though so many girls call him dear, sadly, didn't get the chance to ask.

he told me he's very irritated with those girls who kept calling him when he's so busy with his work. they called and talked about unimportant and wu liao stuffs like "do you miss me?","have you eaten?","the weather's cold, must take care ok?" he said he's sick handling such calls so most of the times he never answer. hmmm.. guess i'm still a smart girl. i don't understand why are those girls so think skinned and insensitive? don't they have something else to do? why do they keep asking such questions when they know he's attached? well, perhaps they don't believe. anyway, i think they don't really understand guys. poor girls... glad i'm not those kind who call and irritate him. i'm special! cause he's the one who call me. =p

3 good news today!

1)recieve invitation for RSAF scholarship talk

2)recieve invitation for DSTA talk

3)bought a Samsung E600C

haha.. today's bio mcq is another gone case. guess i'm going to perform worse than ever for bio but who to blame? i've not been studying. no point pondering now! just gotta work hard for a level! yup!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2004-09-20-7:50 p.m.
yeah feel so happy today though i going to flung bio, cause he msg me le! we sms for quite a while. ha he asked me "did i ever told u i miss u?" so sweet! then when i told him i went to donate blood, he said "so proud of you my dear. i went to the blood centre to do the same thing last week. hee" is that call xin ling xiang tong? we both donated blood last week. :) no matter what, i feel very xing fu...

2004-09-17-5:55 p.m.
i'm officially slacking le though there's still bio paper 3 on mon, chem n bio mcq, maths and chem s paper next week. sianz... who cares.. ;p

so sad. he never msged me after tue. 3 days leh! he's really so busy? it's so hard accomodating to this lifestyle. but come to think of it, it's still better than when i was with TH. at least now i'm sad cause can't hear his voice, not because i'm afraid of him cheating me, flirting with other people blah blah.. so i guess i must feel contented. i do actually. i always do. i'm glad i can be with him. he's .. erm.. my dreamed one. sound silly i know, been thinking about him since sec 2 just that restricted by some other factors. till now it's still like a dream to me, can't believe i'm with him.

came across loo's pic with jo. poor guy. i know he loves jo a lot, but their relationship seems to face a lot of challenges too. i hope they can get together and last till old age. i know i've always been pessimistic about long run relationship, but for them, i thought if they meet few years down the road, and they get together again, it'll be better. they are really compatible and both love each other so much. love can overcome all the hurdles. my most sincere blessings for them. :)

2004-09-05-6:58 p.m.
i'm stressed! cause prelim is this coming thursday and i still slacking. my bio is gone this time! i've only covered ten chapters when there's still 20 more chapters to go!! chemistry may be the only subject i can finish studying. lep is bad too. only finish song ci and tang shi. and i'm only left with 4 days!! haiz.... why?? my firefly scholarship is flying away.. i need prelim results. but with such bad results, unless the agency is blind.

sad and a bit depressed. hope this stress can slim me down. well, but there's another thing for me to celebrate for. i'm certain about me and him after talking with him for the past 2 nights. :)

yup yup. he said we are together but i never ask when is the official date cause i don't see the point. he told me before he never remember anniversary date so doesn't matter. so long as we are together can le. ha.. so sweet. details of conversation... hmm.. shan't talk about it here. shall be my secrets. ;p

2004-08-31-7:50 p.m.
he returned on sunday night, and he gave me a call at around 11. i was so happy, this shows he miss me so can't wait to talk to me right?

but.. something very sad happened yesterday. he heard the news of 1 friend passed away and 1 still missing. his friends went to phuket for diving. then they were at the sea side playing water, with water level at knee. then one wave came after another... and 2 persons went missing. there were 6 inititially. haiz..

now 1 person is still missing. and he's so sad cause he was the one who initiated the trip but he got something on so he didn't go. he's so sad.. but what can i do? how i wish can rush down to his side and give him a tight hug.. but.. haiz....

2004-08-16-6:02 p.m.
i feel so happy talking to him last night. though he told me there's a 19 years old girl coming along the way, but i'm not very worried. well a bit worry la, but not very. i trust him. trust myself. don't trust others. nowadays girls are so unsteady. they don't know what is love, don't know how to love themselves, much needless to say love others. although i may not be as chio as people (not sure with this yet) but it's the heart that matters right? i'm sure i'm better than many. ;p

well. it's quite sweet yesterday.. i teased him say how leh? u got so many bees, then he say he knows how to solve it. he asked me to hug him tight when we go out next time. :)

2004-08-14-10:52 p.m.
i thought his field trip should end on friday but it dragged till today. he called me yesterday but i was having lesson so i couldn't answer the phone. :( missed a chance to talk to him. haiz..

he msged me yesterday, saying sorry that he didn't msg me on thurs night cause he was very busy. tonight he msged me say he couldn't call me tonight cause his camp will end up quite late. well although i really wanted to hear his voice, and i sleep quite late at night but i have to be a understanding girl right? so i tell him it's ok, rest early. it's not that i can't tolerate his busy schedule, i can understand, even though i mind a bit. but what i'm most worry is that i'll become his burden. i don't expect him to report to me everyday, but then it seems that he always apologise to me when he can't msg or call. is it very troublesome for him? will he find me irritating?

problems are comming up for me and him although we are not officially together. in fact till now, he hasn't tell me straight about his feeling for me. i guess he still has reservation. i really hope i can grow up faster. i wanna prove to him that i won't change. when i decided to love someone, i will not change my mind unless he hurt me.. but action speaks louder than words. so i have to show it to him right? but in the mean time, will he fall for someone else?